It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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