Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
third nipple confirmed
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
