Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
