I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This show inspires me to have sex in space
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
