Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
