Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she smelled like a LAN party
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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