sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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