I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
