How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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