i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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