Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
