the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
