You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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