I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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