My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
