Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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