Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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