You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
