I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
