I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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