so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
