I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
