So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize