i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
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Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
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I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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