By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
