i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
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I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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