sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
