Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
