My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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