If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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