the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
