just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
