It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
