Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
