I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
