I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize