Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
