Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
