yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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