hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
