I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
