I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
