my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
