turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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