My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
