does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
