Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
