She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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