this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
