Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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