please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
