her facebook's as public as her vagina
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize