I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
