So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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