How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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