Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
