Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
