Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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